exclusive k-town bar tour (limo and all...)

i think paisley's perfectly manicured eyebrows...

they're a disaster. why do you have to draw attention to them?

ugh... enough, pais. anyway, her eyebrows...

you started it!

i know, because it was supposed to be a compliment ten years ago, god! i just wanted to say they looked fantastic and i was jealous.

shut up! i was jealous of how you looked in the pool and you didn't let me post that one.

for obvious reasons, darlin'.

laura, am i your favorite roommate ever (internal argument redacted)?

you know you are in some ways, pais. i've never had stories like i have now.
after contemplation, yes, you are. for sure.

EVEN WITH THE MESS (AND THE BOSSY BOOTS)?

well, the mess could subside a bit and i wouldn't be THE CLEAN ONE. and the bossy boots may need a donation to saint vincent's but my interior snobbery may be met with the same disdain.

ohmigod the messiness has subsided. can i get a witness?

we'll see.

and you may have your own pair of bossy boots. in fact, i think i saw you getting them shined for a dollar yesterday.

they're a perfect size 8. how could i turn them down? a dollar? i talked him down to 50 cents and a smile.

"smile"? is that what we're calling it these days?

he asked me for my phone number. i gave him yours. you need to get out more.

you filthy slut, you are my favorite roommate.

likewise, bitch.

cartoon laura

cartoon laura
Originally uploaded by ihatepaisley.

sometimes after the geffen you hit an altered state. if you're laura you're thinking, "I think I learned something. maybe taking the subway was more informative. but this is the peanut butter my mom bought when I was a kid. and I'm drawn to it, though I know it's loaded with sugar and as an informed adult I scorn such additives."

But it is shockingly pleasurable, isn't it?

twenty-five and life to go

birthday-cake-candle
Originally uploaded by ilovepaisley.

oh hi

Obviously this is the best time of the year because for fucking once laura is only a year younger than me, rather than two. so I feel like less of an old, tired, scuffed shoe. but wait this is her birthday, isn't it? so this post should really be about her. oh fine, let's do an interview.

bs: laura, how have the first 4 hours of your b-day been this year?

tb: nothing but LA fantastic. I'd be 7 hours into my quarter life on my home base. so I'm already feeling younger even though I'm getting older.

bs: so what did you do last year? (my favorite b-day question)

tb: last year my parents had a rager. for me. they finally got the youngest out of school. after six years. so it was a double delight. and manhunt was probably the best memory of my twenty-fourth year.

bs: and you got some awesome vans with roses on them, right?

tb: yes. and with a little gold spray paint they were even fiercer.

bs: yeah, that was a pretty inspired gift. shoes are the gift that keep on giving. so how about the year before that?

tb: dinner at cafe habana followed by some finals. not so satisfying.

bs: and in 2003?

tb: b-side. I got my super awesome "I [skull and x-bones] nj" shirt. that I still wear proudly. I wore it to TJ's in pasadena and some guy asked if I was from there. the cashier. I said I can wear it proudly as an ex-patriot.

bs: you're a jersey girl through and through.

tb: I like to think in a bad ass way, not the frosted/acrylics/silicone way.

bs: yeah. but you are that way. I mean, who else can create a metaphor out of Sebastian Bach's exodus from Canada to Clifton, NJ. his utter unappreciation by the canucks transformed into superstardom by bad ass Jersey girls. but I didn't really know about Jersey until I met you. the bad assness of Jersey is a well kept secret for the rest of the country.

tb: there's a sense of humor in NJ that's unparalleled because of its bad rap.

bs: so, what was your favorite birthday ever?

tb: getting my license was a serious rite of passage, but manhunt, dude, the Cunningham family alliance (CFA). how do y

some favorite ladies

some favorite ladies
Originally uploaded by ilovepaisley.

so celina is coming in ten days and we couldn't be more excited to see anyone. I mean we saw seth and summer in silverlake, but that's not shit compared to celina. she's on the left. you can see for yourself why we're so excited (if she and toni were coming l.a. would overheat) . the point is celina's the only girl we know who can offend you, endear you, and steal your heart in one hot minute. in the hottest heels her side of atlantic city. can you chase a beagle down avenue C in heels?

Laura the Pinball Queen

Laura the Pinball Queen
Originally uploaded by ilovepaisley.

so, sometimes you think the night's a bust. maybe you're saying, "o-kay, maybe it wouldn't kill me to just go home one night" in a slurry, self-pitying voice, but you're roommate reminds you, "we just got here like 5 minutes ago. let's play pinball." and, well, she's right and everything changes.

you play pinball and all of a sudden the rest of the bar doesn't matter. and, of course, that's when people want to talk to you. guys want to buy you drinks, but all you want is quarters. and they ask "are you serious" and you're like, "yeah, I'm serious. here's two dollars. just get us some fucking quarters." shocked, they bring back a fistfull of coins and ask something stupid like, "are you going to play this all night?" And you answer, "yeah," because playing pinball is suddenly more satisfying than any drunken bar conversation. multiball ball beats an awkward phone number exchange any day.

of course, if someone's going to stand there and say tourretic things like "I like eggs (they're high in protein, low in carbs" and then digs through his pockets when Laura shakes him down for a quarter, it's cool. but he can't play one flipper. him digging out a quarter isn't reason enough to fuck up your game.

but all he wants in the world is a reaction. and he tries everything he can think of to fuck you up. like "I love south park. it's more of a political statement than a cartoon" or "paisley, you have really soft hands. you don't have any callouses." or, our personal favorite, "do you like hottubs?" (to which I shook my head "no" empahtically) "I've got a friend..." and laura asked, with her best sarcasm, "in the hills?" and his eyes lit up as he said, "yeah, in the hills." but even he couldn't keep a straight face at that point.

and then you realize he's playing as much of a game as you are. because his glasses are filthy. and plastic. and not prescription. and you realize he's not even wasted. in fact, his name isn't clyde. it's damien. and he's some actor "working on a character."

he's just a funny guy, who thought he could derail two girls playing pinball. but when he says, "I'm not gay, I just like cock once in a while," and paisley distractedly says, "that's a good thing to recognize about yourself" he sees we don't even care. all that matters is killing kenny. he's met his match and realizes he must respect our "author-i-tay."

by the way

I just have to say that it's not like me to say that part about how cute the Lebanese/Austrailian guy is. I mean he is really cute, but I feel all weird becuase I'm just not that gushy. Laura was shocked someone that hot was so crazy into her. But I wasn't so it had to be said.

barcade, our first super-secret adventure

so laura is like this boy magnet. it's ridic. she walks into a place and they get all retarded. especially this one guy from lebanon. and australia. he wanted to tell her secrets but was so fucked up by her lauraness that he was awkwardly shouting while I was awkwardly trying to have an awkward conversation with his pasadena/lebanese cousin. it was not like parker posey in party girl.

anyway, one night we went out with this aussie/lebanese guy and his cousin (not the awkward one). and just so you know, the one who liked laura was really good looking. I mean really. like his uncle gave him this awkward leather blazer and he sweetly wore it to make his uncle happy, but he still managed to look good. really. like he had these amazing white shoes that are really hard to pull off. anyway...


l.a. is so fucking ridiculously secretive. I mean, c'mon people, what do you think is going to happen? the hoi polloi will find out about your secret spot and gawk at you? whatever. anyway, the point is, after 6 months in NY I knew where I wanted to live/work/go out/etc. But nothing about L.A. is intuitive. Everything is in a strip mall and unless you have someone to tell you that this strip mall is better than the one down the street, well, you'll just have to figure it out for yourself.

so, obviously I was super-psyched to hear about the super-secret bar/arcade, barcade.

and it's absurd. and it's so much harder to find that you think it will be. it's on second, just west of western, but the monkey everyone tells you to look for is not so noticeable as you would think it would be. but it's there. and once you get past the strange bouncer you enter into a world of dorkiness beyond your dorkiest dreams. for serious. I mean these people have fucking joust. do you have joust?. No, you most certainly do not.

and they have a fierce pinball machine. (actually, they have three, but two suck.)

look, if you need a reason to go, they have jameson on the rocks for $3. three dollars. and that, my friend, is hard to beat.

how do you say...squalor?

so everyone is always all excited about aero beds. "they're so fantastic! it's just like a real bed! you'd never know it was an air mattress!"

unless, of course, it leaks.

and you can't do the usual submerge-and-detetect that one might do on a leaky pool float, etc. because, you see, this luxurious "bed" comes complete with a fuzzy coating. despite the fact you cover it with sheets. so this fuzz serves only to keep you from dunking it in the bath to find the goddamn leak. because the only thing worse than a leaky air mattress is sleeping on a layer of damp, stinky, sweaty, matted fuzz. or yoga mats. but I'll laura tell you about that.

so, what can you do but wake up each morning sweating and suffocating, ass on the floor, in a puddle of vinyl.

this is not a bed.

lemon trees and homeless people

outside my window i can pick lemons and see noah's ark
and that homeless drunk guy stumbling by
(i think he hates me)

welcome to the banana plantation

what good is melrose place if all you can afford is four walls and an industrial blue carpet?

craig's list said "urban oasis."
mapquest said "ghetto."
we said "why the fuck not?"

do you have a fireplace? a sunken living room? ten closets? a dining room with a brass chandelier? mouldings? do you even know what a dentil is? how about vaulted ceilings, motherfucker? or a courtyard espoused by a yellow graceland? no, you certainly do not, especially if you're reading this in new york --or hollywood for that matter.