pride and prejudice

Oooh. My. God. It was a really long night. I don't even know where to start. Wait, I do know! How about the part where I didn't get chopped into bits but very well might have?

You see, I was walking home. Alone. Barefoot. At 5 am. In the rain.

How did I get into such a stupid fucking predicament in the first place? Oh, you know...a little pride. You see, I didn't have any money. I'd lost my wallet a few hours earlier and my car broke down yesterday (hence the walking home part). I was at a party. I didn't want to sleep with any of the guys who would have given me a ride, so I didn't ask them to take me home. And (pridefully) I didn't want any of my friends to know how low things really are with me these days so I didn't ask them either. What other choice did I have but to start walking?

Well, obviously, to other choice would be to suck it up. And about 10 blocks into what would have been a 4 mile walk, I realized that was what I was going to have to do, so I called AP and asked if I could borrow $20 for a cab. He, of course, said "of course" and that he'd call one so it would be there when I arrived.

Now just to be clear, cabs don't just drive around in LA like they do in NY. And I was in a pretty quiet suburban tucked-away neighborhood. And it was 5 am. So when I saw a cab 2 blocks from AP's, what was I to think but it was the car he'd called? The driver saw me and stopped and I asked, "Oh, are you here for me? I just need to go back to my friend's. He's going to loan me money b/c I don't have any." And the cabbie said, "I just saw your friend, he paid me and sent me to look for you." It seemed totally plausible. Why else would there be a cab on this desolate suburban side street? So I got in.

And as we drove off I called to thank AP. And he had no idea what I was talking about.

I almost threw up. How did I do this to myself? But it was a taxi! I mean I wouldn't just jump in some molester van. What would you do? Wait--I don't want to know. It will only make me feel bad. But I was terrified. But, really, what is the difference between this guy and the cabbie who responded to AP's call? They're equally likely to be psychos. Letting some man drive you away is always a leap of faith. I learned that a long time ago.

Anyway, this guy asks me if I'll sit up front. I say I'm not feeling well and he doesn't press it. When he stops at a drive thru I think about running away. He has a car; where would I go that he couldn't follow? We were in the middle of nowhere. At 5 am. And when he found me he'd be angry. I don't know. I stayed. He bought me coffee even though I said I didn't need any.

I asked him questions about Armenia, where he was from. He took me to the corner where I'd lost my wallet. It was still there. Should I have run then? When I got out to get it? I didn't. Where would I have gone? I still didn't have any money--someone had taken it all--but my driver's license was there (which is a good thing b/c it's suspended and it'd be a big fucking problem to get a new one). I was miles from home. I got back in. It's the worst thing you can do. It's exactly what you're not supposed to do.

He took me home. I had him drop me off at a busy corner a few blocks away so he wouldn't know where I lived. I tried to give him the couple bucks I had (at this point he'd admitted that no one had paid him to look for me). He refused and gave me his card and started crying and said I was beautiful and he wanted to see me again and if I wanted to see him I should call. Did he know that I'll never call? Did it have to be so terrible?

Oh. My. God. Why do I always get myself into these situations? Can't a banana take a taxi in this city without worrying she's going to be split. Or worse? I was so lucky. I was so stupid and lucky.

Anyway, the moral of this story is I can't afford my pride these days. It hurts my heart, though. You know?